The Democratic Nation of TMNT vs Mary Sue
by Connie Nervegas
Summary: Mikey is elected the oldest child and Leonardo struggles to escape the clutches of girl named Mary Sue.


The Democratic State of the TMNT

_Leo kills a girl, so don't flip out. She's evil, so there._

SEWER

_The camera sits next to the computer monitor. Leonardo types, intermittently smirking and looking over his shoulder with a paranoid expression. Raphael enters the room and Leonardo clicks his mouse several times quickly, as if closing something. The sound of loud and aggressive music fills the room. Splinter's voice echoes over the music._

Splinter: What in the world do you call that racket?

Raphael: That's Nine Inch Nails. It's music.

Leonardo: Sounds like a nervous breakdown.

Raphael: "Closer" is the greatest song ever written.

Leonardo: Nothing like an old fashioned love song I guess. I think that song is degrading towards women. I would blush to play that in front of April.

Raphael: Well, the joke's on you because it's her CD.

Splinter: Where are your brothers?

Leonardo: The little ones went out with Raph. Wait a minute. Did you leave them someplace again?

Raphael: I do it for their own good. They like it.

Leonardo: They like you running ahead of them and getting them lost and then disappearing?

Raphael: It teaches them how to find their way home.

Splinter: Raphael, you know that Michelangelo cannot understand cardinal directions.

Raphael: He needs practice. That's all. Whatcha doing, Leo?

Leonardo: Nothing.

Raphael: Let's go do something. I'm bored.

Leonardo: Read a book.

Raphael: Read?

Leonardo: Just leave me alone. We hung out yesterday.

Raphael: Okay. I'll take Trent Reznor into the tunnels and check the 'still. Want to come, Sensei?

_Splinter seems taken aback by the direct acknowledgement of the liquor. His ears flatten._

Splinter: It may be worth it to find out where it is so that it may be disposed of properly.

Raphael: That's the spirit, Master.

_Raphael and Splinter leave the lair. Leonardo watches them and then waits, listening for voices. He reads out lout to himself from the computer monitor._

Leonardo: Meet in person? I don't know. That doesn't sound like a good idea. I don't know you or anything… No, I think you're a really nice girl… Go away for a few days? Really bad stuff could happen if I were gone… What kinds of things?

CUT TO:

Leonardo: Don, why does this recipe card say "Mustard Gas" at the top?

CUT TO:

Leonardo: Mike, why are all these dogs in here? If you don't get rid of them I'll have Don cook them all for dinner.

CUT TO:

Leonardo: Raph, I'm going to look that word up in the dictionary and if it means what I think it does…

CUT TO:

_Leonardo sitting at the computer wringing his hands._

Leonardo: And that was just yesterday. Well, I suppose I could turn on the microphone. Ready?

_Leonardo fiddles with something off screen and then we hear a girl's voice._

Girl: Hello, mystery man.

Leonardo: Mary Sue, you have a higher pitched voice than I expected. How old are you?

Mary Sue: I'm 21. I'm a senior at Stuyvesant High School.

Leonardo: No, I remembered.

Mary Sue: You haven't told me how old you are or where you are.

Leonardo: I'm in New York. Uh… I'm a little younger than you. I teach… physical defense…

Mary Sue: You're a karate teacher or something?

_Leonardo scoffs loudly._

Mary Sue: Oh, sorry. Tae Kwon Do?

Leonardo: Ninjitsu actually. Oops. That's way more than I should have said.

Mary Sue: Well, I have cheerleading practice in an hour. I'll talk to you later. Think about what I said about meeting sometime. We should hang out sometime.

Leonardo: Uh… I'll talk to you later. Bye.

_Leonardo hangs up and looks around himself guiltily and then leaves the room. The room is empty for a while until Michelangelo and Donatello slump into the room. Michelangelo collapses on the couch._

Michelangelo: Please, kill me now.

Donatello: I need to buy a GPS.

_Donatello sits down at the computer and begins typing and clicking. There is a sound of a chat window popping up._

Donatello: Do we know anybody named Mary Sue?

Michelangelo: Why would we? Is it April?

Donatello: She uses her real name.

Michelangelo: It's not Casey it is? Because that would just be wrong.

Donatello: She wants to use video phone? Should I accept? Wait, she wants Leo.

Michelangelo: Do it! Do it!

Donatello: No, I'll just type to her.

_Donatello types and reads aloud._

Donatello: Yes, this is Leonardo. What are you up to? She says she wants to meet him at a night club tonight.

Michelangelo: This is weird. Tell her no.

Donatello: Sure, I'll meet you. Let's meet up in the back alley at 11pm tonight.

Michelangelo: That'll be really funny. We'll ask Leo to go train on the nearest rooftop and then point at her and… I don't know… laugh.

Donatello: Better dress sexy, baby.

Michelangelo: Turn it off. Somebody's coming.

_Leonardo comes back into the room wet from a shower._

Leonardo: Water was pretty cold. Fix the water heater.

Donatello: I don't fix water heaters anymore. Last time I tried to do that, I ended up in a parallel dimension.

Leonardo: Want me to make you spar with Raph?

Donatello: Ugh. No.

Leonardo: Then get in there and do it.

_Donatello limps off to the water heater._

Michelangelo: My feet hurt. I think we were in every borough.

Leonardo: Well, if you'd paid a little more attention to where you were…

Michelangelo: Don't blame me. It was Raph's fault.

Leonardo: You know what he's like. Stop doing what he asks.

Michelangelo: You're such a dictator sometimes.

Leonardo: If I weren't you'd all die from your own incompetence. Turn that camera off. Why are you wasting the batteries like that?

_Michelangelo reaches over and the camera goes black._

SEWER

_The camera comes on and we see some turtle's lap. _

Casey: I thought Splinter banned the use of video cameras.

Donatello: Well, I plan on setting up Captain America and getting it all on tape.

Michelangelo: Sounds dangerous.

_Donatello directs the camera at the front door. Raphael is wandering in wearing a trench coat and fedora. He sees Casey and rushes towards him, knocking Donatello on his back as he goes. The camera looks at the ceiling._

Raphael: We're you been, douche bag!

Casey: I have my own life, you know. I was in jail for a while. April bailed me out.

Raphael: Wow, you're so cool.

_Leonardo's face fills the frame and the camera flies through the air, landing on the couch. Leonardo ignores Donatello on the floor, who flips up impressively, although nobody seems to notice._

Leonardo: Hello, Casey. Any reason why you're here?

Casey: Looking for action.

Michelangelo: Raph, why are you the only one with an accent?

Raphael: Excuse me?

Michelangelo: Why do you have that Brooklyn accent?

Leonardo: Let's get down to work. We have training tonight.

Donatello: I think we should go out towards the East end.

Leonardo: Why?

Donatello: Well, the West end is only where losers are seen you know.

Leonardo: We don't want to be seen at all. We're ninja. We're invisible. We live in the shadows…

_Raphael reclines back in a chair and picks up a magazine._

Leonardo: We strike hard and fade away…

_Donatello jumps to his feet and points dramatically._

Donatello: I VOTE YOU OFF AS THE OLDEST!

Leonardo: You can't vote me off. This isn't Survivor.

Michelangelo: Where did that come from?

Raphael: I concur.

Leonardo: Oh, shut up, Raph. What's this all about?

Michelangelo: Let's not argue about this. Don, what's up with you?

Donatello: Why do you get to give all the orders? You act like you've never made a mistake and I would bet a lot of money if I had any that you have made mistakes.

Leonardo: I'm the oldest because I'm the best leader.

Michelangelo: Well, to be fair, Leo. We don't know that because you've always been the leader.

Leonardo: This is asinine. Back me up, Raph.

Raphael: Well, he's got a point. I mean, how do we know you're any older than the rest of us?

_Leonardo crosses his arms, looking unusually petty._

Donatello: Fine. We'll put it to a vote. All who vote for me raise your hand.

_Donatello is the only one who raises his hand. Raphael turns a page in his magazine._

Leonardo: And for me…

_Leonardo raises his hand. Nobody responds. Raphael pointedly yawns and stretches._

Leonardo: Well, what about Raphael…

Raphael: Whoa there! Who said I want to be oldest? I have my own shit going on.

Casey: And all who vote for Mikey.

_Michelangelo, Raphael and Casey raise their hands._

Donatello: Casey, you can't vote.

Leonardo: Well, I've been wanting a little vacation time anyway. Raph, tell me how Canada is when you get back.

_Leonardo goes to his bedroom and slams the door._

Raphael: Will do.

Michelangelo: Canada? You're going to Canada?

Raphael: Maybe.

Michelangelo: But it's Halloween tonight, remember? We going to go out and pretend to be normal.

Raphael: Oh, yeah. Well, Canada can wait I guess.

Donatello: If Mike is oldest, then what am I?

Raphael: I guess they've just switched. So that makes Leo youngest? Well, Mike. What's your first order?

_Michelangelo thinks for a while._

Michelangelo: Oh, I know! Leo's been chatting with some girl and we should get him to meet her somehow. It would really put him in his place. And it's Halloween so we can walk around tonight.

Raphael: Leo's been talking to a girl? Why?

Casey: Maybe he wants to hook up with her?

_Michelangelo, Raphael and Donatello look at each other uncomfortably._

Donatello: Oh, I hope not.

APRIL'S APARTMENT

_The camera focuses on April from a low angle._

April: Leo, since when did you start obsessing with the whole turtle biopic idea?

Leonardo: I'm just trying to chill out for a change. It's great. I have all this free time…

April: Really? What happened?

Leonardo: I've just decided to take some time off and to let the others develop a little. Without my guidance.

April: Who's in charge?

Leonardo: Mikey.

April: You're bored out of your skull aren't you?

Leonardo: I've never been so bored in my life! I spent two whole hours yesterday watching television! I've never watched that much TV at one time before!

_April laughs._

Leonardo: This is nothing to laugh at. Raph's in one of his clingy cycles so I have nothing to do to avoid him.

April: Clingy? Doesn't he run with the anti-social?

Leonardo: Some of the time. Then he goes into this period of guilt about his shirked responsibilities so he tries to be extra helpful and follows me around all the time. He broke three appliances yesterday. Did you know he goes to pool halls?

_April looks shifty._

April: Well, how is Mike doing as the leader?

Leonardo: Great. He instantly told the others that we're going to train independently and for as long as we deem necessary.

April: Sounds like he trusts you guys.

Leonardo: Sounds like he's lazy and doesn't want to plan training exercises.

April: What does Splinter say about all this?

Leonardo: Oh, he just ignores it. I have a feeling that he's amused.

April: At least he has a good sense of humor about it.

Leonardo: He said something like he thought we would tire of our experiment within a week and Mike said he was wrong and that this new no-training training regimen would really work out.

April: You should take advantage of this while it lasts. We all know that Raph is hard to control at the best of times and this good mood won't last that long. You're the only one who can put him in line.

Leonardo: Put him line? I only usually manage it by tricking him.

April: And Don may be super intelligent and shy and all that but sometimes I have this feeling that we don't really know what's going on in his head.

Leonardo: Yeah, he's an evil genius.

April: So just get out and have fun.

_Leonardo stands up and the camera rises until it is level with April._

Leonardo: Doing what?

April: Come see a movie with me.

Leonardo: What? Now?

April: No time like the present.

Leonardo: Okay. I don't think I've ever been in a movie theater.

SEWER

_Static and then we see Donatello's face. He bangs on the camera with a screw driver. Raphael hovers in the background._

Raphael: So, is it going to make it?

Donatello: I think the patient will live.

_Michelangelo walks through the background carrying baking ingredients._

Michelangelo: It's alive!

_Donatello sets it on the desk and both he and Raphael follow Michelangelo into the kitchen._

Raphael: What are you doing?

Michelangelo: I'm going to bake a cake.

Raphael: Cool. Want any help?

Michelangelo: Help? From you?

Raphael: Yeah, is something wrong with that?

_Michelangelo backs away slightly._

Michelangelo: Don't get your panties in a knot, butch. It's fine. You can help.

Donatello: I don't want to help.

_Michelangelo looks offended._

Michelangelo: Why not?

Donatello: I don't know. I don't want to cook. I want to chop open that stereo that you brought home, Raph. Hey, where's Leo?

Raphael: I don't know. I haven't seen him since this afternoon.

Michelangelo: Are you helping me or not?

Raphael: Yeah.

Michelangelo: Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

_Raphael approaches the stove and turns the knobs experimentally._

Raphael: Done.

Michelangelo: Maybe we should call Leo. He usually lets us know where he is. He's all about effective communication and efficiency you know.

Raphael: Yeah, I hate him for that. What's this?

Michelangelo: Taste it and guess.

_Raphael swigs from the bottle and gags._

Michelangelo: That's vanilla, dumbass.

_Raphael beans Michelangelo over the head with a cake pan._

_Michelangelo pulls Raph's sai out of its holster while his hands are above his head, holding the cake pan in the air. Michelangelo puts the sai tip to Raphael's chin, gloating. _

Michelangelo: Just put the cake pan down slowly.

_Raphael dumps the cake pan back on the table._

Raphael: I'm bored. Let's go out and look for something else to do.

Michelangelo: We have initiated the baking cycle. We must see it through to the end.

Raphael: What for?

Michelangelo: It's part of the baker's code.

Raphael: What a bunch of bull shit. I'm leaving.

Michelangelo: Well, fine. You're not getting any cake when you back then.

_Raphael stalks off and leaves the lair._

Donatello: I knew his mood was too sociable to last.

ALLEY

_Leonardo is walking down a dark alley. We can see that April is next him, but cannot see her fully as they walk._

Leonardo: I'm still not really comfortable with traveling in alleys. The sewer feels much more secure.

April: Much stinkier too. I don't really mind the smell myself but I don't like the looks from other people when they can smell it on me.

Leonardo: Well, I've made an exception for you because I'm a gentleman.

April: Yes, I know. And the way you only snorted with derision about thirty times in that movie instead of getting up and leaving proves it.

Leonardo: I didn't mean to distract you. Did you enjoy it?

April: Well, Gerald Murray is a joy to see shirtless.

Leonardo: No comment.

April: It was pretty good I guess.

Leonardo: Well, I guess…

_April sighs._

April: Okay, what didn't you like?

Leonardo: What was up with that girl? She tells him to leave and then she marries that other guy who drove the Porches and then when shirtless Gerald dies, she goes to his funeral and his ghost visits her? If she was so in love with him, wouldn't she know that he was dying and visit him in the hospital? And why wasn't anybody else at the funeral? And how come when her husband with the Porsche beat up her boss he punched the guy about nine times and didn't draw any blood? And why…

April: Because it's a movie and not real life.

Mysterious Voice: Hey, give me all your money!

_Leonardo instantly whips into a defensive stance. April clutches her purse._

April: You're not getting any of my stuff. After what happened the last time I got mugged? It took me three months to be issued another driver's license. I'll die before I let that happen again.

Mysterious Voice: Give me the woman and I'll let you go, scrawny frog man. I have use for her as a human sacrifice.

Leonardo: Over my dead body.

_Raphael jumps out of the shadows._

Raphael: Relax. It's just me.

_Leonardo kicks Raphael. He lands against a brick wall._

Raphael: Hey, I was kidding. But if you don't want me around then I'll just get lost. I'll bring you back something nice from Canada.

_April goes to him and helps him up. Leonardo puts the camera on the ground and approaches them a few steps._

April: Everybody, cool it.

Leonardo: I'm sorry. I'm a little tense, Raph. I was forced to watch a chick flick.

Raphael: April, if you wanted to punish the poor man…

SEWER

_Michelangelo pulls the cake out of the oven._

Michelangelo: Let them eat cake.

_Donatello is sitting at the computer terminal, with the camera tilted towards him. He holds a circuit board in front of the lens._

Donatello: See this. This is what happens to your stereo when you let ants crawl inside it. Don't be so cruel to your electronics. They can't defend themselves.

_The computer beeps, diverting Donatello's attention._

Donatello: Oh, hello again, Mary Sue. Hey, Mike! It's Leo's girlfriend. What should I tell her?

_Michelangelo runs to the computer with a plate of cake in his hand._

Michelangelo: "Are your annoying brothers around?" Hey, we're those annoying brothers!

Donatello: (typing) No, I'm here alone. Why? (to Michelangelo) Oh, she wants to meet up again. She must be pretty desperate if she's after our Leo.

Michelangelo: Maybe we should give her that wish.

Donatello: Why, might I ask?

Michelangelo: I'm the oldest. So don't question me. Plus, he said we were annoying. We need to pay him back for that. I mean, plus it could be a valuable learning experience to teach him to go around talking about us. We're supposed to be living here in secret and isolation.

Donatello: Well, Raph beat up that pool hall bouncer the other day. You didn't get him for that.

Michelangelo: That's Raph. This is Leo. Leo's always talking about secrecy and all that crap. And what is he doing? Having an online relationship with a human.

Donatello: I guess I can see where you're coming from. Raph doesn't seem to give a fig about secrecy most of the time.

ALLEY

_The camera is still on the ground. Raphael is laughing hysterically._

Raphael: That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Leonardo: Maybe I like to catch up on pop culture once in a while.

April: To be fair, I suggested it. I didn't think you'd want to watch fake ninjas pulling punches in an action movie.

Raphael: How was your date overall?

April: Fair. I had to buy everything.

Raphael: You big cheapskate.

Leonardo: It was not a date!

_Leonardo's phone rings. He answers._

Leonardo: Please tell me that Splinter wants us to do something. What kind of disturbance? You sound like Spiderman. (rolls his eyes as he listens) Yeah, I get it. Vague reports of ninjas robbing the poor citizens. Way out there? At a night club? That's weird.

Raphael: Sounds jumpin'.

April: I'll just head home.

_April makes a motion at Raphael, imitating a pool cue, who gives her a thumbs up. Leonardo holds out a hand to her to stop as he hangs up the phone._

Leonardo: Raph's taking you home first.

April: I know how to find my way home.

Raphael: Hey, it'll be fun. Remember the last time we went to the 7th street pool hall and the look on that guy's face when you beat him?

_Leonardo glares at April._

April: Let's get going, Raph. It was nice to hang out with you, Leo.

Leonardo: Thanks, April.

_Raphael and April walk away. Leonardo watches as they leave. He picks the camera up off the ground and jumps down a manhole back into the sewer._

Leonardo: Just walk it off. Democracy is a fundamental part of American society. Stupid American society. Well, anyway, I'm starting to think that this video blog thing is a bad idea. Not only does it jeopardize our obliged secrecy, but it also makes us look really incompetent.

SEWER

_Michelangelo, Donatello and Splinter are watching television. Soft, orchestral music plays. Donatello yawns. Michelangelo is listening to an iPod, making a distressed face._

Donatello: There's something wrong with this version. It's like they're saying, "Nothing going on in the Dashwood household today, so we're going to wave the camera around a lot and pretend that they're being dramatic." They didn't do that in the old version.

Splinter: Maybe the camera is mounted on something unstable and it is entirely unintentional.

Michelangelo: This music sounds like the inside of Raph's brain.

Donatello: The soundtrack to "Sense and Sensibility?"

Michelangelo: Nine Inch Nails.

Donatello: Weren't we going to do something?

Michelangelo: I don't remember. Were we?

Donatello: I don't know. You tell me, Mr. Leader.

Michelangelo: It involved Leo, didn't it?

Donatello: Oh, yeah. It was about M…

_Splinter's ears rotate as he listens. Donatello and Michelangelo look at each other._

Michelangelo: Yeah… We're meeting him… someplace… Let's go, Don.

_Michelangelo grabs the camera and they sneak out of the lair into the tunnel._

Michelangelo: We were supposed to get to that club before Leo so we could meet up with his girlfriend. And we should call Raph and send him to Canada or something.

Donatello: But if we talk to her first, then she'll tell him that she saw us and he'll put it together. You know, that we set him up.

Michelangelo: Oh, yeah. Maybe we should lock them up somewhere.

Donatello: Why?

Michelangelo: I don't know. It sounds funny. And they wouldn't know we did it. We'd come back in the morning. That would be epic! Can you see the look on Raph's face we tell him what we did?

Donatello: Sounds cruel. I'm in. Wait a minute. He'll be able to get out. He's strong, remember. And he's fairly smart.

Michelangelo: I don't know. I'm working on it.

Donatello: Who are we kidding? It won't work.

Michelangelo: Let's just take him to a club and invite her and then introduce her to him as his girlfriend. That would be embarrassing. And you know how he hates having fun and stuff. A club would freak him out.

Donatello: Have you ever been in a club? How do you know it wouldn't freak you out?

Michelangelo: Are you kidding? I was made to dance.

Donatello: Anyway, it doesn't sound dastardly enough. I mean, I think we could come up with something better. Maybe we should call Raph. He's mean. He'll probably have an idea.

_Michelangelo shuffles the camera under his arm to take out his phone and we see his chest and the bottom of his chin._

Michelangelo: Hey, Raph. Where are you? At the club? How did you know about it? (to Donatello) Leo told him. He was standing there when we called.

Donatello: Damn you, Leo, with your extra loud voice settings!

Michelangelo: We're trying to think up a way to trick Leo. We're going call that Mary Sue girl to embarrass him for talking to her… Why? Because he's a hypocrite. That's why… What do you have in mind? Nothing? You're our last resort for a cruel and evil plan… Do you see Leo or Mary Sue?

Donatello: We should just head down there. Maybe we'll think of something on the way.

Michelangelo: I've decided that we're going to meet you down there. I'll think of something on the way.

_Donatello throws his hands up in frustration._

BOMB SHELTER NIGHT CLUB

_Leonardo is self-consciously standing in front of the building, near the line of people waiting to go in. They are all wearing Halloween costumes and nobody gives him a second look._

Leonardo: This feels wrong.

Mary Sue: Leo?

_Leonardo jumps and draws a katana._

Mary Sue: Hold it. It's me, Mary Sue. Those are cool swords. They don't go with your costume at all. What are you supposed to be?

Leonardo: I'm… uh…

Mary Sue: A sword fighting frog?

Leonardo: Why do people keep calling me a frog today? I'm a turtle. You're Mary Sue?

Mary Sue: You don't recognize me?

Leonardo: Well, you weren't dressed like a burlesque dancer in the pictures you sent.

Mary Sue: Do you like it?

Leonardo: Well, the corset looks… tight…

Mary Sue: That suit looks hot. Take the head off so I can see you.

Leonardo: No! I mean it's a whole piece. The head is attached to the rest of the suit and I'd invalidate my warranty if I took it apart. The rental place is strict.

Mary Sue: Well, let's get in line.

_Leonardo follows her into line._

Mary Sue: What's up with the video camera?

Leonardo: Oh, my brother left it and I'm carrying it for him. Have you seen any anonymous citizens being robbed or maimed anything around here?

Mary Sue: Which brother?

Leonardo: Raph. So no to the citizens in peril?

Mary Sue: I feel like I know them. You complain about them so much.

Leonardo: About imperiled citizens?

Mary Sue: Your brothers.

Leonardo: Do I complain?

Mary Sue: Raph is the loud one that you called a gargoyle right?

Leonardo: Yeah, that's approximately it.

Mary Sue: Ever been to this club?

Leonardo: No, I've never been to a club.

Mary Sue: Really? Well, I'll take care of you then.

_Mary Sue tries to take his arm in a flirtatious gesture and Leonardo unconsciously reaches for a katana again. He catches himself and takes a step away._

BACK OF BOMB SHELTER NIGHT CLUB

_Michelangelo and Donatello are huddled behind a garbage bin with the camera upturned on the pavement. They are squatting over it._

Donatello: So what are we going to do?

Michelangelo: I haven't decided yet.

Donatello: You said you would think about it on the way over.

Michelangelo: I did think about it on the way over.

Mysterious Voice: Drop your money!

Donatello: Hey, Raph.

_Raphael jumps down from a fire escape._

Raphael: How'd you know it was me?

_Raphael jumps up and down with an unusual amount of energy._

Raphael: So what are we going to do? I know! Let's go to the playground and try to swing over the top bar!

Michelangelo: Are you okay, Raph? Did you drink Leo's coffee again? You know that you're supposed to drink just a shot full and not a whole mug.

Raphael: I don't know. I feel great. I got these new vitamins. Come on! Let's think of something to do!

Michelangelo: I don't know. Come on, think, me. I don't know. I feel like I have a mental block or something. Let's just go home and play Guitar Hero.

Raphael: No way! Do what you want, but I'm going in!

_Raphael charges through the back door. Donatello stuffs the camera under his arm and they chase Raphael into the back of the club._

Donatello: Where'd he go? The great big terd.

_Michelangelo opens a large steel door and peaks inside._

THE BOMB SHELTER NIGHT CLUB DANCE FLOOR

_Mary Sue is pulling Leonardo along through the crowd. Leonardo apologizes to every person that they pass. They pass a corridor leading to the door where Michelangelo is peaking inside._

Leonardo: Mike!

Mary Sue: What?

_Leonardo pulls away from Mary Sue and turns towards the door. Michelangelo is already gone. Leonardo enters the room. It's full of boxes._

Leonardo: Huh. Thought I could've sworn that Mike came in here.

_The door slams shut behind him._

Mary Sue: Look at all these boxes.

Leonardo: Looks like a storage room. Did you see my brother just now?

Mary Sue: What's he look like?

_Leonardo tries the door, but it doesn't budge._

Mary Sue: What's wrong?

Leonardo: I think it only opens from the outside.

Mary Sue: You mean we're trapped?

_Leonardo hands the camera to Mary Sue and runs toward the steel door and throws all his strength against it. There is a loud thud. Nothing happens. He jumps up and down in pain._

Leonardo: Walk it off! Walk it off!

THE BOMB SHELTER NIGHT CLUB DANCE FLOOR

_Donatello and Michelangelo are shoving their way across the crowd, looking for Raphael. Donatello threatens to punch a man who bumps into him._

Michelangelo: This is madness! Normally I'd be really happy, but I want to find Raph and go home!

Donatello: He's over there by the bar!

_Donatello swings the camera and roughly zooms in and out, trying to focus on Raphael. He is standing at the bar, with a group of six or seven women around him._

Michelangelo: What's going on? Who are those girls?

_Michelangelo tries to force his way through the crowd, but stops and pulls out his cell phone. He dials a number. The camera focuses on Raphael again and we can see him answering his phone._

Michelangelo: What are you doing? Who are those women?

_Raphael speaks into his phone although we can't hear what he says. The girls laugh._

Michelangelo: Well, tell your "hoes" that your brothers need you. Why? (whining) I want to go home!

_Raphael hangs up and he laughs with the women._

Donatello: What did he say?

Michelangelo: Something about how he's decided to be a pimp and those are his hoes.

Donatello: Call Leo. Maybe he'll know what to do. He's probably at home watching Jim Lehrer.

_Michelangelo dials his phone._

THE BOMB SHELTER NIGHT CLUB STORE ROOM

_Leonardo is fiddling with his phone._

Leonardo: Looks like my battery's dead. Do you have a phone on you?

Mary Sue: I forgot mine. What are we going to do?

Leonardo: Wait, I suppose. Somebody will have to come in here eventually to get some more stock.

Mary Sue: How can you be so calm?

Leonardo: I'm trained as a ninja. It's my job to be calm. Plus, if I panic every time I get locked in a room accidentally, I'd be panicking about every week.

Mary Sue: That's amazing.

Leonardo: Yeah, you'd think the resident genius could replace a doorknob.

Mary Sue: You're a ninja?

Leonardo: Am I? Did I say that?

Mary Sue: Yeah, you said that before too. So can you break a board with your head?

Leonardo: Yes.

Mary Sue: Do you wear one of those black suits like in the movies?

Leonardo: Are you kidding? We don't wear anything.

Mary Sue: You fight naked?

_Leonardo pauses as he tries to think of an explanation._

Leonardo: Only during certain exercises, when we're locked outside in the snow and all that.

Mary Sue: "We?"

Leonardo: Yes. My brothers and I are all ninjas.

Mary Sue: Must have been hard to ground you all.

Leonardo: You have no idea! Raph's impossible. Last week we tried to tie him to the bed in his sleep, but he just broke the headboard off.

Mary Sue: Are you and your brothers close?

Leonardo: I suppose. I mostly hang out with Raph, which is weird because I don't really like him. Right now he's probably sitting on the ledge of a building squinting into the darkness, thinking broody thoughts. The big stupid gargoyle.

THE BOMB SHELTER NIGHT CLUB DANCE FLOOR

_Raphael is dancing like a maniac while about ten women dance around him in a circle. Michelangelo and Donatello watch nearby, looking confused._

Michelangelo: I knew it. He was possessed before and somehow the demon was exercised without us knowing. I wonder what did it.

Donatello: So where's Leo? Shouldn't he be here somewhere?

Michelangelo: Hey, Raph!

_Raphael ignores him as he bumps and grinds._

Michelangelo: Hey, pervert! Where's Leo? Isn't he here?

Raphael: Take a break, bitches.

_Raphael's bitches wander away towards the bar._

Donatello: Bitches? What's up with you, butch?

Raphael: Oh, they like it.

Michelangelo: Have you seen Leo?

Raphael: Didn't he come with you?

Donatello: What? You were supposed to meet him here!

Raphael: What? Oh, yeah. Hey, Carrie, get me a drink. See that girl with all the tattoos?

_Raphael points to a girl who is wearing a very skimpy shirt that showing a tattoo of a dragon with the tail wrapped all the way around her waist. Her skimpy, gauzy shirt also shows rows and rows of Japanese writing on her back._

Donatello: Looks like a circus freak.

Michelangelo: Cool. What's her back say?

Raphael: I don't know I asked, but she won't tell me. She won't tell me her name either. I keep asking them to take their tops off because I figure that the ones who get naked for strangers will buy me drinks when I ask.

Donatello: What is up with you?

Raphael: Just drinking in life. Why did you want Leo?

Michelangelo: We're trying to pay him back, remember? We're not here for fun.

Raphael: Why?

_Donatello yells with annoyance._

Donatello: Because he lectures us about secrecy and all that and then he's been e-shacking with this Mary Sue character.

Raphael: Oh, yeah. I like that girl over there dressed like Bo Beep. She listens to Nine Inch Nails. I told her that I'm a millionaire and she seems to have all the same interests as me. Isn't that cool?

Donatello: Yeah, not at all opportunistic. I think Tattoo Girl's back says, "My breath burns up my house and you will faint at the smell."

Michelangelo: Maybe somebody did it while she was passed out.

_Donatello swings the camera back and forth between the exits suddenly. There are people standing in front of them. One of the guards pushes a person away as he tries to leave._

Donatello: Remember the fact that we're ninjas?

Michelangelo: You're just a great killjoy aren't you, Leo Jr.?

Donatello: People are blocking the exits. See the lobster over there knocking people away from the doors?

Raphael: Ah, I'm not in the mood for a fight.

Donatello: WHAT? Did you hit your head? Wait, you said you were taking vitamins?

Raphael: Yeah, Johnny No Thumbs gave them to me. Said that they'd make me feel a lot better.

Donatello: Do you have them on you?

_Raphael digs them out of his utility belt and offers them up to Donatello, who reads the label._

Donatello: Fluoxetine? Raph, that's Prozac! And you've been drinking? Holy crap.

Michelangelo: That explains a little.

Raphael: I'm going to go back to my hoes and dance some more. Good luck with the bad guys keeping us trapped.

_Raphael bounds across the dance floor before Donatello can get a grip on him._

Donatello: Ugh! This is getting worse and worse! What do we do now, Mike?

Michelangelo: Why are you asking me?

Donatello: Because you're the leader.

Michelangelo: Um… plan… plan… think… we look for Leonardo… you know… to ask him what to do…

Donatello: Good plan. Stay there, Raph!

_Raphael stops dancing and grabs onto a few girls for support._

Raphael: I'm not feeling that great right now. I wish the room would stop spinning.

_Donatello pushes his way back through the crowd toward the back room. They pass the large metal room where Leonardo and Mary Sue are trapped._

THE BOMB SHELTER NIGHT CLUB STORE ROOM

_Mary Sue bangs on the door while Leonardo sits on the floor meditating._

Mary Sue: We're going to die in here!

Leonardo: No we won't.

Mary Sue: Okay, you're calmness and control has officially gone from cool to annoying.

Leonardo: Will it make you feel better if I panic?

Mary Sue: Maybe. I don't know.

Leonardo: Sit down here with me.

Mary Sue: Why?

Leonardo: We're going to meditate.

Mary Sue: I'm Catholic.

_Leonardo scratches his head for a second._

Leonardo: Congratulations. Now sit here in front of me.

_Mary Sue sits in front of him._

THE BOMB SHELTER NIGHT CLUB

_Donatello and Michelangelo are arguing with a man dressed like Abraham Lincoln, who is blocking the doorway. Raphael stumbles drunkenly behind them._

Donatello: I'm not warning you again. I don't like beating people up and I'm going to have break a bone of two of yours if you don't move. Plus, I don't really like the idea of hitting Honest Abe. Just feels wrong.

Honest Abe: I can't let anyone in or out. Sorry. Nice costume.

Raphael: Thanks.

Michelangelo: You're totally a foot ninja aren't you?

_Honest Abe shrugs._

STORE ROOM

_Leonardo and Mary Sue are facing each other meditating. Leonardo's eyes are closed. Mary Sue opens her eyes and leans in to kiss him._

_The door crashes open and Honest Abe flies into the room. Leonardo jumps into a defensive position with katanas drawn. Mary Sue falls forward on her face._

_Raphael staggers into the room after Honest Abe and falls down._

Leonardo: Raph, you okay? Concussed?

Donatello: Oh, he's just sort of high on anti-depressants and booze. But don't worry. He'll puke his guts out and then be fine. How did you guys end up in here?

_Raphael vomits violent. Mary Sue jumps and squeals, hiding behind Leonardo._

Michelangelo: Is this your girlfriend?

Leonardo: I don't have a girlfriend!

_Several of Raphael's bitches are holding the door open. The look as if they are going to come into the room to help him and let the door close again._

Leonardo: No! Keep the door open. It only opens from the outside. Mikey, get Raph up.

_Michelangelo roughly pulls Raphael to his feet and escorts him out of the room. Donatello picks up the other video camera from off the floor. He aims the cameras at each other for a second, laughs and then turns off Raphael's camera. Honest Abe gets to his feet, as if to rush them, but they close the door on him, leaving him inside the room._

Michelangelo: I'm so glad we found you, Leo!

Mary Sue: Wow, you all dressed as turtles for Halloween?

Leonardo: Foot ninjas are blocking all the exits? What's up with that?

Donatello: We were hoping you would know.

Mary Sue: We're trapped again!

Michelangelo: Why would they want us trapped in here?

Leonardo: If they don't want anyone to escape, it means they don't want any witnesses to escape. Or survive.

Mary Sue: I'm scared. Somebody protect me.

_Mary Sue grabs a hold of Raphael's arm. He swings his arm out in disorientation and knocks her unconscious._

April: What's going on guys! I just got your call, Raph.

Leonardo: You called April?

Raphael: I told her to come down here and dance with us.

April: I was so curious to see it that I couldn't resist. Who's this on the ground?

Michelangelo: That's Leo's girlfriend.

_Leonardo punches Michelangelo. Raphael points and laughs. He tips over sideways and falls on the floor._

Leonardo: What do we do now, Mike? You're the leader, remember?

Michelangelo: Well… I was hoping you had an idea.

_Leonardo scans the crowd. _

Leonardo: Well, there are foot everywhere, by the way. Anybody notice?

_Raphael raises his hand._

Raphael: I noticed but I didn't care.

Donatello: I was too busy trying to figure out where you were.

April: Raph, why do those skanks have your sais?

_Two of Raph's bitches are giggling and sword fighting with the sais._

Leonardo: We have to find a way to get these other people out of here without starting a panic.

_Donatello is trying to read Tattoo Girl's back and has his face about an inch away from her. She turns around and leaves him awkwardly bent over._

Donatello: Sorry. Just… lost a contact lens.

_Tattoo Girl goes up to the bar, facing away from them._

April: That's some serious ink.

Leonardo: I think we should make coordinated attacks on the identifiable foot. I say Winnie the Pooh, the lobster, Al Capone, Jack Sparrow and that corpse looking thing by ladies room. Oh, and that tatted up girl at the bar.

Raphael: Tattoo Girl is a foot ninja?

Leonardo: I thought you said you had spotted them.

Donatello: "I burn my mouth and then my roof hits me?" "Your burning face collapses me?"

Leonardo: "I shall burn from my mouth and bring destruction."

April: Hey, what…?

_Tattoo Girl fills her mouth with vodka and breathes fire onto the bar without any flame for ignition._

Michelangelo: It's a spell? That's the coolest thing I've seen! Holy shit! The bar's on fire!

_Raphael grabs Tattoo Girl by the throat. She kicks him away. Leonardo and April frantically help the few club patrons that are aren't panicking to put out the fire. Donatello approaches the DJ booth and wrestles the microphone away from the DJ._

Donatello: Don't worry, everybody. We know that there are evil ninjas blocking all the exits…

_The crowd instantly whips into a panic and presses towards the doors._

Donatello: You stupid people! I said don't panic!

_Mary Sue dazedly gets off the floor._

Mary Sue: Leo, what's going on?

Leonardo: It's okay. I've got this under control.

_Raphael is fighting Tattoo Girl. He reaches for his sais but comes up empty. Tattoo Girl laughs. Raphael breaks a bottle on the bar and brandishes the jagged glass._

Raphael: Maybe I should try to cut those words off your back.

_Tattoo Girl breathes fire at him and he stumbles, falling backwards into April and Michelangelo. Mary Sue grabs Leonardo for protection._

Leonardo: I'm not fireproof, you know.

Donatello: (into the microphone) I did notice earlier that this place is more than two times fuller than the fire marshal said was a safe maximum capacity. So it may take awhile for everybody to get out. Don't worry. I predict that if the building goes up in flames that about 40% of you will make it out alive.

Leonardo: Somebody shut him up!

_The lobster foot ninja is trampled as panicking patrons stampede over him. _

Michelangelo: I have the feeling that the purpose is to burn the house down with us in it.

Leonardo: Not a very subtle tactic.

_April takes the microphone away from Donatello._

April: (to Donatello) Go over there and do something useful. (to crowd) Hello, everybody. My name is… Nora Ephron and we're here filming a movie today. I just wanted to let you know that if you stay, you'll get to be an extra. But you have to stick around so you can sign waivers and permission slips and stuff; otherwise we'll have to cut your seen out in the final edit. Now everybody who wants to be involved should start a line at the DJ booth and wait for our stage manager to get here to take your information.

_People begin lining up in front of the DJ booth and stop pushing their way out of the exits._

_Donatello is holding Tattoo Girl's arms behind her back, while Leonardo punches her. Michelangelo punches lobster man. But his padded suit insulates him from the blows. Raphael leans against the bar, looking ill. Mary Sue grabs a hold of Raphael._

Mary Sue: I'm scared, Ralph.

Raphael: My name is Raph, dipstick.

April: Why don't I get to cling and cower?

Raphael: Because you're useful. I'm going to puke again.

Leonardo: Why aren't you getting killed, woman?

Tattoo Girl: The words protect me!

_Raphael vomits again and then takes a hold of the camera. He directs it at his face._

Raphael: To all you grossed out viewers. Never buy pills off of a mobster.

_Raphael swings the camera around the room as the tries to steady himself. Winnie the Pooh and Jack Sparrow go into the men's room. Raphael follows them._

Mary Sue: Wait! Don't leave me here!

April: Come back, Mary Sue!

_Raphael's bitches follow like a herd of skanky sheep._

Raphael: Get lost, bitches! I've gone out of business!

_The bitches disperse. Raphael snatches his sais back from one of the girls._

THE BOMB SHELTER NIGHT CLUB MEN'S ROOM

_Jack Sparrow and Winnie the Pooh are having a private huddle near the sinks. Raphael wanders into the bathroom and then stands in front of a urinal, listening._

Winnie the Pooh: So what do we do now, if she can't come through?

Jack Sparrow: I say we bail. We get that Johnny No Thumbs to make us new identities and then we'll move somewhere in the country. You like goats right?

Winnie the Pooh: We have no time for your melodrama. We must make sure that those turtles don't escape here alive.

Jack Sparrow: But where to find them? They could look like anything under these Halloween costumes.

_The men's room door opens and Mary Sue runs in, followed by April. Winnie the Pooh and Jack Sparrow jump to attention._

Mary Sue: Oh, don't hurt me! Hyperventilating… corset… too tight…

_Mary Sue passes out on the bathroom floor._

Raphael: Hey, I was just pissing in this urinal like a common human.

_Jack Sparrow and Winnie the Pooh look at each other and then move towards Raphael, who reaches for his sais. They check Mary Sue's pockets, looking for her wallet._

Jack Sparrow: Nothing. Hey, what are you two doing girls doing in the men's room? Looking to bring the party someplace private?

_Winnie the Pooh strikes a funny pose, which is probably meant to be seductive, but is unclear due to the bulk of the costume and the big phony bear head._

Raphael: Hey, paws off.

_April grabs Mary Sue by the feet and drags her out of the men's room._

Raphael: I don't have the time or the equilibrium for this right now.

_Winnie the Pooh rushes at him and he sticks one of the sais in his stomach. It merely punctures his large, fake belly._

THE BOMB SHELTER NIGHT CLUB DANCE FLOOR

_Michelangelo, Leonardo and Donatello are tirelessly and rather pointlessly fighting Tattoo Girl, who seems to have endless energy._

Michelangelo: I'm thinking she's a little bit invincible.

Tattoo Girl: I have the strength of twenty men and skin of diamonds. Your efforts amuse me. I would like to keep you as pets if I were not going to kill you. The words of my ancestors were engraved upon my body and their power runs through me. Since I was young…

_Leonardo grabs the broken bottle and throws it to Michelangelo. His raises his eyebrows in understanding. Donatello knocks her forward against the bar and Leonardo and Michelangelo quickly slash through the words tattooed on her back. She makes an inhuman shrieking sound._

THE BOMB SHELTER NIGHT CLUB MEN'S ROOM

_Winnie the Pooh is on the floor unconscious. Raphael has Jack Sparrow held upside down with his head in a toilet. He drops him to cover his ears as Tattoo Girl's scream fills the room._

THE BOMB SHELTER NIGHT CLUB DANCE FLOOR

_Mary Sue sits up and immediately covers her ears. April abandons her near the men's room and runs to where Leonardo, Donatello and Michelangelo are slicing through the tattoos on Tattoo Girl's back._

April: What are you guys doing? Everybody's watching!

_The squealing continues. Leonardo looks back and forth at Donatello and Michelangelo, who just stare at her and back away slightly. Tattoo Girl's body begins smoldering and smoke raises from where her body is touching the wooden bar. Leonardo quickly runs her through with his katana. _

Donatello: Should we douse her to be sure?

Michelangelo: Dude. You just killed a girl. I don't really like killing girls.

Leonardo: Well, we couldn't let her burn the building down with us all in it, could we? Where are the rest of them?

_Raphael walks out of the bathroom._

Raphael: I just took care of two of them. Abe's in that room back there. Lobster's over there.

_Raphael points to the lobster who is lying on the floor with his arms and feet in the air like a dead bug._

Michelangelo: I think the others bailed when you were cutting that woman up.

_Mary Sue tiptoes over to them._

Mary Sue: Leonardo, you saved me! I love you! We were meant to be together. I've loved you since before we even met!

_Raphael collapses on the bar. Michelangelo pats his shell with pity._

Mary Sue: Don't ever leave me, Leo!

_Leonardo puts his bloody katanas back in their holsters._

Leonardo: I'm blocking you on my instant messenger when I get home. Let's go, guys. Somebody scrape Raph off of the bar.

April: You guys owe me the cover price because I didn't get to dance at all. Who wants to go to go the pool hall?

_Raphael groans._

April: Come on, it's Halloween. The one night when you guys can go party and hang out like real people.

Mary Sue: Don't leave me like this, Leonardo!

_They exit the club and stand on the empty sidewalk._

Mary Sue: This world was not made for people like us. My own life is so empty and I've never fit into it. I've always been like a glove that was accidentally put in the drier. And you with your glorious green skin and exotic shell that conceals your body. We have a love that is pure and strong and true and always and forever.

Donatello: Do you ever shut up? Why don't you go home now? April, we should go to Target!

April: Way to be adventurous.

Donatello: Too bad museums aren't open at night.

_Mary Sue starts off down a dark alley. A black cat runs across her path. Dogs howl in the distance. Something moves mysteriously in the shadows. She looks back at Leonardo, helpless and fearful, and with her corsetty dress torn up past the knee._

Leonardo: Well, good luck with your finals.

_Leonardo helps Raphael hobble towards an open man hole._

SEWER

_Donatello is sitting at the kitchen table animatedly talking to Splinter, who is holding one of the cameras._

Donatello: And then we saw that the girl had Japanese writing on her back and I couldn't figure it out and and we had to wait for Leo before we could properly translate it and we lost a lot of time because of it.

Splinter: Why didn't you call me?

_Donatello hangs his head in shame._

_Across the room, Raphael's camera is sitting cockeyed on top of the television while Leonardo sits in the middle of the couch with Raphael and Michelangelo leaning on either shoulder. April is in a nearby armchair. Michelangelo is hugging a teddy bear, pouting. Raphael has a puke bucket nearby._

April: I think I'll be the first person to ever be killed by cuteness.

Michelangelo: Want Mr. Bear, Raph?

_Raphael passively takes the bear._

Raphael: I think I drank a whole bucket of beer. What was I thinking?

Leonardo: Probably nothing like usual.

Michelangelo: I reelect Leo to be leader. All in agreement?

_Michelangelo lifts his hand high in the air. Raphael lifts Mr. Bear a few inches. Donatello crosses his arms._

Donatello: I suppose. But it's just because it's a system that we're already familiar with and not because we failed so miserably tonight at making plans and stuff.

April: Duly noted, Donny.

_Leonardo stares at April for a while._

April: What's up?

Leonardo: Mary Sue is a fluke right? Nobody really behaves that way.

April: Well, she's well-liked.

Leonardo: You know her?

April: I've seen her around campus. A lot of girls like her because she's like a mirror. She doesn't really like anything so they can pretend that she likes whatever they like.

Leonardo: What do you like, April?

April: I like science, Nine Inch Nails, dancing, not getting killed. Cats. I like cats. I don't like gelato. I don't have a strong sense of smell; otherwise I wouldn't be able to hang around down here. I'm allergic to bran. Lots of stuff. I was born on a dark and rainy morn, when the servants were out in the fields and…

Leonardo: I already have enough to do with trying to keep my children organized without worrying about some stupid girl getting herself killed.

Raphael: We do fine without you.

Leonardo: Yeah, is your puke bucket full yet? Anyway, how did it feel to be the oldest, Mike?

Michelangelo: It felt hard. I think I must be an idiot. My brain hurts.

Leonardo: You're not an idiot. You're just not geared for full on leadership. At least not yet. And it's not because you're youngest. I think it might be because you don't get delegated enough responsibility.

April: Uh, oh, Mike. You know what that means.

Michelangelo: I'm going to ignore that. Leo, tell me a story. I'm better at telling stories, but yours are really boring and will probably put me to sleep.

Donatello: Raph shouldn't sleep for a few hours. Just pinch him to keep him awake or something.

Leonardo: Okay. Once there was a guy who had three brothers and they seemed have this problem where they couldn't do anything right without him and yet they resented his guidance and then after they voted him off their little island and he was walking around thinking he must be the most boring person on the face of the earth to be ousted like that when they knew full well that he was good at his leadership role, then they proved to him once again that they really need him to make the tough decisions that nobody else wants to make. The end.

Donatello: That was depressing and also a run on sentence.

Leonardo: By the way, Don. I gave your email to Mary Sue. I told her that you were a shy and quiet type, sort of like the unibomber and she thought you sounded pretty interesting. I heard her mumbling something like, "Soul mate," when she left.

Donatello: I demand a recount.


End file.
